


Please don't come over

by JuliHeart



Series: Oikawa's falling apart [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Argentina National Team, Crying, Depressed Oikawa Tooru, Depression, Letters, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Sad, Short One Shot, Suicidal Thoughts, venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-24 02:48:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30065523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JuliHeart/pseuds/JuliHeart
Summary: Oikawa's falling apart and needs someone to talk to. That someone is - and has always been - his Iwa-chan.After he received the unexpected answer letter from Hajime he decides to open up and write an answer letter himself.[Part 3]
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Series: Oikawa's falling apart [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2211903
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8





	Please don't come over

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sakuraxblossom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sakuraxblossom/gifts).



> Big TW for this one again.  
> I don't know what this is, but please enjoy.

Argentina; 10.19.XXXX

To my dear Iwa-chan,...

I received your last letter. The answer letter that I really didn't expect. And since your letter arrived earlier than you did I'd guess that you're busy at the moment. And don't get me wrong, I'm not mad or even disappointed about this, because I KNOW that you're very busy. Busy with work, your studies, probably also training. And I'm sorry for distracting you. I should've known better.

But I guess I can't help it, huh? We've been friends for over ten years and are now dating after all.

It was foolish of me to expect that you'd actually be able to just ignore my letter. Not if I told you that I wanted to die again...

And... While I appreciate you wanting to come over, to fly over to Argentina just for me, I'd rather like you to stay in Japan. 

Really, I'm so grateful for your offer. I KNOW you only want the best for me. That you're worried. That you love me, just as much as I love you, so so dearly. But I feel like... meeting you would only make it worse. I LOVE you, I MISS you, but I can't go on like this!

I'm an adult! I live in Argentina now! I'm working as a professional volleyball player! And yet I'm sitting here, crying in a corner of my room, again relying on my childhood best friend who lives so, SO far away now.

And I also... don't want to be a bother to you.

I know that it's just the voices in my head telling me this, but I really just can't get these WORDS out of my head. The "you're worthless" 's, "you can't do anything on your own", "you're just a bother", "everyone would be better off without you", "you're just a waste of oxygen", "you're not good enough", the "no one loves you" 's. And while I know, that none of this is true... at least kind of... it's just so indescribably hard to ignore it. To brush it away. And because it never goes away, these thoughts just get worse and worse and worse until you're spiralling down into this big, endless hole... And you just... I don't know. You feel like you disappeared. But not your body, only your soul. Everything what makes you, you - what made me, ME - is gone. Deep, deep down at the bottom of this hole without any way of climbing back up again.

And then you start feeling numb. So EMPTY inside. And it's so confusing, because nothing reaches you anymore. You don't feel necessarily sad, or angry, can't feel any happiness. You can smile and laugh, but this kind of "happiness" only lasts for a mere second before the smile drops and you feel empty again.

And this repeats every day. Every day. Every day. 

Some days are better than the others, but I feel like they're becoming more rare with each passing day.

But I'm still trying to hold on, I swear I am, but then on some days it's just so overwhelming that I /̶/̶/̶/̶/̶ ̶/̶/̶ ̶/̶/̶/̶/̶-̶/̶/̶/̶/̶ ̶/̶/̶/̶/̶/̶.̶ ̶/̶'̶/̶ ̶/̶/̶/̶/̶/̶.̶.̶.̶

I always try to distract myself with music, read something, go for a walk and when it becomes too unbearable I wrap myself up in a blanket and force myself to sit down and not move for as long as it takes me to calm down again. And I purposely avoid playing volleyball, because I know you'd get mad at me for overworking again.

See? I can manage on my own...

I also... talked to one of my teammates about it. They're actually quite supportive and asked me if I wanted to go to therapy. Apparently a great friend of them knows a good psychiatrist. I'm not yet sure if I really want to go tho. Sure it would probably help and benefit me in the long run, but I'm still a professional volleyball player you know? I can't afford to waste even more time because of personal matters. 

What do you think about it..? Should I go?

I don't know. I'm honestly kinda scared. As stupid as it may sound.

Everything scares me at the moment.

But writing this letter helped me to calm down again. I'm not yet sure if I actually want to send this to you. I actually only wanted to tell you, that you don't have to waste your money on a plane ticket, but it ended up being a weird venting rant. 

Anyways, if I actually send this letter, then I hope that it'll arrive in time and that you're not too worried about me. (Although, knowing you, that's probably impossible). And I want to let you know again how much I love you. You're my best friend, my lover, my everything, my galaxy and everything beyond. My anchor. And you'll alway be with me even when I'm here in Argentina and you're over there in Japan. 

Next time you come to visit I really have to introduce you to my teammates and we have to bake milk bread together. Don't forget this! It's already decided!

I hope you're doing great and wish you the best of luck with your studies.

Love,

Tooru

_➾ letter: send_

**Author's Note:**

> Go read [Part 4] by Sakuraxblossom ! ↓ ♡  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/30119466
> 
> __________
> 
> And a personal note to you (I hope you know that I'm addressing you):  
> You don't have to answer to this again. Just felt like writing ⁽ᵛᵉⁿᵗⁱⁿᵍ⁾ again.


End file.
